I Love the Gym

I love going to the gym. I know that sounds stupid, but I do. I am not so much enamored with the physical act of exercising as I am with whole dynamics of the place.

I joined our town's newest gym 2 years ago. My husband didn't really approve of this. I am not quite sure why. I think it had something to do with the fact that it is a co-ed gym and he is just sure that I would spend more time watching hard bodies than becoming one. Oh please. Let's just say I am pretty sure that the dream of every red blooded, hard bodied, go-to-the gym 25 year old stud is not to bag a 44 year old married woman with two children, stretch marks and a bad dye job.
Anyway, I joined the fitness world.

I was assigned a personal trainer on the first day. His name was Eric, but I affectionately referred to him as Satan. His job was to analyze my overall fitness goals and to tailor a work out just for me. He could tell that I worked in front of a computer all day. This was evident in my overall posture, which, in his view, resembled the letter C. He worked out several shaping exercises. Gals you know what I am talking about, abs, hips, butt and that wagging arm situation. After working my trouble areas, I was to work out 45 minutes on the eliptical. Umm, listen pal, I am 44 years old and a smoker, I don't do 45 minutes of anything without a gun pointed at one of my temples. He wrote it down anyway.

So, day after day, I would "work out". I never felt so alive or so close to death, ever. And, day after day, I would see the same folks, doing their thing, working out. These are the observations I made:
1) The amount of weights piled on the equipment was directly proportionate to the volume of the grunt that was let out when said piece of equipment was lifted. Most of the guys that did this usually were wearing a wide leather belt. Those that didn't, well, they weren't at the gym all that often. And, you would NEVER catch a woman doing anything like that.
2) In a woman's life, there is a time and a place for wearing thong underwear. Over 40, at the gym, and on the tread mill-that's not it. Good heavens, give us poor souls behind you, on the stationary bikes, a break.
3)If you are walking around, playing the air guitar to the tune on your IPOD, you are not serious about fitness. Find another place to pick up chicks, we think you're stupid.
4)The guy that sweats the most is the guy who doesn't wipe off the equipment after he uses it. I feel sorry for his girlfriend (I don't think I need to go there).
5)Parking your car in the fire lane by the door is not only illegal but ironic. Dude, you're going to gym, would it kill you to walk the 1/2 a block to the parking lot?
6)The tread mill is a dangerous piece of equipment. It will continue to move after you have stopped.
7)Singing along to the music on your MP3 player is frowned upon. Hint: we can hear you, even if you can't. Don't quit your day job.
8)When making your work out clothing choices, less is not more. Let's not forget the reason you are at the gym. For heaven's sake, look at yourself in the mirror before you leave the house. Um, the 80's called, they want back that sweatshirt with the neck cut out and that ridiculous mesh tank top.
9) Daisy Duke is the only person who has any business wearing short-shorts.
10)When you begin to drool while exercising, it is time to stop.