The Seven Deadly Sins

Wikipedia defines the Seven Deadly Sins as a means developed to instruct followers concerning fallen man's tendancy to sin. They are the capital vices or cardinal sins in life. Indulging in any of the Seven Deadly Sins brings on the threat of eternal damnation. The Seven Deadly Sins are as follows-Lust, Sloth, Pride, Greed, Wrath, Envy, and the ever popular Pride.

Let me say, first and foremost, I don't believe in hell. I was raised Catholic and I don't believe that God would ever let eternal damnation happen to me. Also, let us not diminish the fact that if I believe that I have a 50/50 chance of entering heaven or having my soul taken by Satan, I would have to give Satan equal weight with God in considering my life choices. Umm, God has no equal, duh.

With this in mind, I have developed my own list of Seven Deadly Sins. It is not to be taken at face value, just pondered. Breaking these rules will not be fatal to spiritual progression, it will just make life here on Earth, or as I like to call it, "Hell with Fluorescent Lights" a bit, well, difficult.

1) Tequila. Awful stuff. Songs have been written about the mystical powers of this popular beverage choice, none of which exude a virtuous homage to its creation. It takes on many forms, is available in all classes and price ranges and it makes you do whacky things. (ie, would you EVER eat a worm that you found in the bottom of your wine cooler? or any other worm for that matter) I rest my case.

2)Wearing Thong Underwear. Now, who designed this instrument of torture? It couldn't have been a woman. I suppose the purpose of this garment is to show the buttocks in their full moon shaped glory. As a woman, I object. One of the great distractions of all time is keeping a fold of fabric out of that "area". You know what I am talking about. A snuggy can make you walk funny, act totally inappropriate in any and all social settings and dissolve you into a puddle of babbling craziness. The fact that a person would pay money to buy a garment that would place them in these circumstances escapes me.

3) Financial Planning. Oh, I just don't see the point of it all. You work all your life to invest in a nest egg. What if you die young? 20 years of hard work down the drain. I have my own investment strategy. It doesn't involve 401(k) or IRA. My plan is L-O-T-T-O. Go ahead and laugh. I've read The Secret and watched the dvd. I'll be claiming my prize soon.

4)Watching Reality TV. Okay, who are the Kardashians and why do we need to keep up with them? The REAL Housewives of New York City--are there really housewives all over the country pretending to be housewives from New York City? And who knew that Americans were so obscessed with dancing, Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, or Your Mama Don't Dance, who cares? And don't get me started on American Idol. If I want a dose of reality, I can just look out my window. My neighbors should be on Springer.

5) Watching the News. Don't do it, it will only make you mad. It's a half hour expose' on how we have screwed up our lives. We have no one to blame but ourselves! Cause and effect, chain of events, all of the chaos makes perfect sense.When your spinning round, things come undone, welcome to earth, third rock from the sun. And the presidential election? I think they all should get a crack at it. You have 12 months to straighten it out, if you don't, game over. Next.

6) Volunteering. This is the broadest of all my catagories, to include volunteering to help, volunteering to lead, volunteering information. Don't do it. If you are thinking about it, think about this. It is called volunteering because it is a) Thankless-nobody wants to do it, and they certainly don't want to get caught bringing it up. It's kind of like the "stop, drop and roll" process when you are on fire. b) Non-compensated--or free, non paying, no money. If it was that great of a position, they'd be paying someone to do it. The only benefit of doing a great job is that it puts you uppermost in the minds of the "powers that be" for the next job. It's all a matter of strategy my friend.

7) Gardening. Okay, this one is selfish of me. Before you point that flowered gloved finger at me or throw your brightly colored clog in my direction, hear me out. I don't like OUTSIDE. I am fair skinned--can't be out in the sun. And, I don't like bugs. In fact, they terrify me. I have been known to jump from a moving vehicle to avoid a bee. And, since I have a well documented lotion/body spray addiction, I smell like flowers. Bugs LOVE me.

So, there you have it. In a nutshell, my version of avoiding the major pitfalls of life.